Do you ever wonder if we really pick our own destiny? Do the choices we make affect our destiny? How do we know if we've made the right choices? Ever wonder why you are where you are in life? Did your marriage or relationship start out with both of you pretty much on the same "paragraph" or the same "page" at least, but now you aren't in the same "book" or perhaps even the same "library"? What happened? How do we get back on the same page? Do we want to? Sometimes it's simply a matter of change, one changes and one stays the same. What then? You entered into the relationship when you were younger, thinking this is the love of your life, then one day after 20 some years of marriage, you wake up wondering what you're doing with this person! What happen? Then you realize something is different, something is gone. You have nothing in common. What then? Do you call it quits, pack up and move on to "greener pastures", start it all over and hope it works out better the next time? What if there are kids? Sometimes you can't just leave it all behind. At some point in one's life it is beneficial to just step back and take a good look around. Who changed and why?
Maybe it's because one of you has become a believer in Jesus Christ and has begun an intimate relationship with God. In the Bible, it states in 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 this: "To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife." And goes on to say in verses 12-16: "to the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?"
So when you started out in this relationship or marriage, neither one of you was saved, things seemed ok. But somehow, somewhere along the line, one of you started to hear the call. Perhaps, it was after the addition of children. One day you felt a strong need to start searching for something of value, some way to instill a moral fiber in the children you brought into the world, a world of confusion and fear. Or maybe it was because you had attended church as a child yourself and when a friend or relative invites you to attend theirs, you do. In the beginning, you would go once in awhile and then more often. Pretty soon, you are going every Sunday; maybe even start attending a few Bible studies.
So, then one day after years of listening and reading, it all makes sense, you could never understand why Christ had to die on the cross, but now the answer finally sinks in and becomes real. He died so you could have life and have it abundantly. So now you start looking closer at your life. You see things in a different light now. Things you thought were ok to do or watch or even say somehow don't seem right anymore. You start filtering out some of the language you use. Some of the shows or movies you used to watch just don't seem appropriate anymore. When you listen to music, the lyrics aren't as innocent as they once seemed. Your whole view of the world is changing; you now have a new understanding of right and wrong.
Now that you have seen the light, you come to the sad realization that your partner doesn't get any of this or care about it or want it. They are quite happy in their old life and see no reason to change. They have no use for God and the saving grace of Jesus. They believe that everything they need, they can get for themselves. You try to share your new found hope, but it falls on deft ears, so you just go about your life wondering what went wrong. As you become more and more involved in your new life, the conflicts between you and your partner start to increase. They start to feel left out because they don't want to share in your new life. You, yourself, start to feel the pinch of alienation, because there are some things about your old life that just don't belong in your new life. So now what? Should you think about ending this relationship and look for someone else?
But the bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 7:17-24 "Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. Was a man already circumcised when he was called? He should not become uncircumcised. Was a man uncircumcised when he was called? He should not be circumcised. Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping God's commands is what counts. Each one should remain in the situation which he was in when God called him. Were you a slave when you were called? Don't let it trouble you - although if you can gain your freedom, do so. For he who was a slave when he was called by the Lord is the Lord's freedman; similarly, he who was a free man when he was called is Christ's slave. You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of men. Brothers, each man, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation God called him to." So now you’re stuck, what should you do? How can you be content in the situation God has put you in? Should you follow the crowd or take the “road less traveled”?
In today's culture, we are led to believe that we can do whatever we want, anything and everything is ok. We are encouraged to indulge ourselves in every whim and think only of ourselves. If our marriage isn't working out the way we think it should, then we feel we should be free to leave or cheat on our partner, no matter what the price is to others. Most of us took wedding vows that had words like "for better or for worse" and "until death do us part", so how do we figure we can come and go as we wish? Why is it that when "the worse" part gets here we feel the need to get going? The Bible says in 1 Corn. 7:17 "Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God called him. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches." So according to this, we as believers are to stay in the same circumstances in which we were called. So with such vast differences in views, how do we make it work? Do we give in to the pressure around us and just go back to the old ways? Or do we take a stand and fight? But how can we fight the tide?
Going against the tide isn't an easy thing to do. But since it's easier to change one's self than to change others, one should start by looking at one's self. Are the new changes to your life apparent to the outside world? Do they show in your actions toward others? Spending time with the Lord in the word and prayer will help us to focus on how Christ would want us to behave toward each other. Once we learn these things, it's a constant daily battle to implement them in our lives. It seems as though we don't always win, but we must keep up the fight, because each time we make a little more progress. Another thing to consider, is how we got here? Looking back on our path to salvation can give us a clue as to how and why we are here. The trials we go through determine who we will become. We say to ourselves "if I had only married this one or that one, things would be so different today", but would you be where you are today in your spiritual life if you had not "chosen" this path?
I can say from my own experience, that had I married someone other than the man I married, I probably would not have found my way to the Lord. It's not because he's saved, he isn't, but because through it I came in contact with others who are. So looking back I can see that the Lord has led me on this path in spite of myself. Even though I "chose" it, the Lord has used it for his own purposes.
So barring extreme physical or mental abuse, but just a growing feeling of separation, how do we become content in our current situation? If there is no threat of violence or bodily harm, but just a feeling of distance through changes in one's own direction, then maybe one should consider the possibilities of remaining in the relationship. But how, is there a way we can reconnect on some level?
The book of Ecclesiastes from the bible, tells of a man who had everything, wisdom, untold wealth, knowledge, power and even all the pleasures he could desire, yet he was not content! He had tried everything and found it all meaningless without one major component! In the end he found that there was only one thing that could make him content in his circumstances. Most biblical scholars believe that this is a reference to King Solomon! The only man in history, to truly have everything, including God's favor! But he found that there is only one way to attain true contentment. Further on in Ecclesiastes 5:18-20 it says "Behold, what I have seen to be good and to be fitting is to eat and drink and find enjoyment in all the toil with which one toils under the sun the few days of his life which God has given him, for this is his lot. Every man also to whom God has given wealth and possessions and power to enjoy them, and to accept his lot and find enjoyment in his toil-this is the gift of God. For he will not much remember the days of his life because God keeps him occupied with joy in his heart."
So as King Solomon found, there is only one way to find true contentment in our circumstances, it is to seek God and ask him to make us content. We need to ask God to change our hearts and minds, to give us a spirit of contentment in our marriages, relationships, jobs and our lot in life. Our focus should be on placing others before us and not on our bad lot in life. By placing the focus of our toils on doing our best for the Lord, we can be free in any situation in life and learn to show grace and mercy to those around us, to love the unlovable. This will help us to get through our trials and tribulations. This is why Christ came, to show us by example, how to love one another. We are all sinners, whether saved or not. There are no perfect human beings on earth; we all fall short of the righteousness of God. For this purpose Jesus came to reconnect us with God.
We need to step outside our comfort zone, change the way we think of others and start acting on our beliefs. Just because we show compassion, mercy and grace to the people around us, does not mean that we have to condone their behavior. I can show grace and mercy to my husband who smokes and uses profanity 24/7, even though I don't. I can extend that same grace and mercy to my teenagers, who can't understand why I won't let them live their depraved lifestyles under my roof. I can also practice self control when dealing with my drug crazed alcoholic brother. The Lord has set me on this path for a reason, which until now has never been very obvious to me. So the question still remains, did I really pick my own fate or is it just a slight detour on a more perfect path?
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