Getting Back on the Right Track

After taking into account the very basic differences between men and women, the fact that men are "blue" and women are "pink", that neither is wrong, just different and conflict in a relationship is natural, then allowing for our own percentage of fault and not placing the entire blame on the other person, a formula for restoration can be found. Trying to repair the damage done to a relationship will take time and effort, but can be done. One way to start is to put the emphases on changing oneself and not on changing the other. Looking to the Lord and his word for inspiration is one of the best places to start, asking the Lord to transform your own heart and to change you from within. Taking the time to learn how to show love and respect to one another is an important part of life. Our relationships and especially our marriages should be able to withstand the test of time. Our goal should be to erase the stigma of being the "disposable" generation. We have become numb as a society and have learned to dispose of everything without a second thought, wives, husbands and even our kids!

Let's get back to the way God intended us to live, loving Him first, then our family and friends and finally our Country, forgiving as Christ forgave and doing God's will as Christ has taught. Colossians 3:12-14 gives us an easy pattern to follow:

"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony."

Dealing with Conflict

     Most people are basically good willed, meaning that they don't constantly spend all their time trying to think of ways to irritate others, it just comes kind of naturally because we are human and from infancy we work at getting our own needs met. It's way easier to focus on our own needs and wants verses those of others. Most of us to some degree, live in our own little worlds, thinking our thoughts and entertaining  ourselves with the things we like. 

     God designed men and women differently, with different emotional make ups. Most women have a need to talk things over, either with their partner or their friends, for the most part men don't have this need. Men and women also process things differently, so many genuine acts can be miss interpreted. The woman who needs to talk things through, may miss interpret his silence as being unloving. The man who comes home from work after an exhausting day around others and just want's some peace and quiet, could miss interpret her need to talk things out as being disrespectful. Women also have a tendency to externalize things, we wear our emotions on the outside, on our faces and through our body language. Men are more internal, they tend to kept their emotions deep inside. It's much easier for a man to express himself freely to his male friends, than to his female partner. God created the man to be the head of the household and to be a "man of honor" by doing the right thing. A man on a battlefield during wartime, would risk death and go back for a fallen comrade because he is a man of honor, but can he acknowledge the need for his wife to express her feelings? That act is much harder and does not come naturally to a man.

      Since men think in blue and women tend to think in pink, there will be conflicts in every relationship, it is inevitable. The fact that men think in blue is not wrong, just different and so it is with women thinking in pink, not wrong, different. God created male and female to be different and he intends for you to have conflict in marriage, but his design was that we should learn to differ in loving and respectful ways, because God thinks in PURPLE!

      In the beginning, God created man, Adam, to care for the earth and it's creatures. Then he saw that it was not good for Adam to be alone, so he created Eve to help him, care for him and to populate the world. God made Adam (the male) to be the protector and provider for both of them. Eve (the female) as his assistant, providing love and nurturing. Even today these roles were not changed by God, but people have sought to expand and revise them. He created them to be a couple and work together. But what happens when conflict arises? How can it be resolved without the marriage or partnership being dissolved? 

     If we accept the fact that most people are basically good willed, but see things differently and assume that some conflict is inevitable, then we can begin to change the way we behave toward each other. It is human nature to pass judgment on others especially during a fight. Each side thinks it is right and the other is wrong. So if one side decides to be the mature one and submits to the other, with time and practice things can be mended. Say for instance, a husband and wife have just had an argument and both sides have said some pretty horrible things to each other. The husband (blue) shuts down his emotions and stomps away into another room and sits in front of the TV with a feeling of not receiving his due respect. Meanwhile the wife (pink) is left standing there with this overwhelming feeling of not being loved. The problem is not that we lack the ability to change the situation, but that we lack the incentive. 

     But what would be the outcome, if one, let’s say the husband, adopted an attitude of submission and sought out his wife and said something to the effect “That felt very disrespectful, did I come across as unloving?” and then said simply “I’m sorry!” and left it at that. Or if the wife were to follow her husband into the other room and instead of continuing with her previous rant, said something like “That felt very unloving, did I come across as disrespectful?” and said “I’m sorry!”

       Taking responsibility for one’s own behavior is not a natural or easy thing to do and may take some practice. But by stepping up and taking responsibility for your actions and not placing the blame on the other, the pattern can be changed. As Christians we are called to love others as Christ loved us, so everything we do, should be done as if the other person were Christ, himself. In Matthew 25:40 Christ says “And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these, my brethren, you did it to me.’” And then again in verse 45 of the same chapter, “Then he will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it not to one of the least of these, you did it not to me.’” We should behave as if Christ were standing right behind that person, whispering to us “do unto me” and “show this person mercy and forgiveness, I know they don’t deserve it, but do it for me”. 

      Jesus took the cross for our transgressions; can’t we at least take on the responsibility for our actions? Instead of focusing on the faults of others and blaming them, try to look past them and see your percentage of guilt and own up to it, make Christ your focus. What we do to others should be done out of reverence for Christ. Love for Christ should equal love for one’s wife (girlfriend, neighbor, boss, etc.) and reverence for Christ should equate to respect for the husband (boyfriend, children, etc.). There is a great reward for those who will make the effort! 

Making Our Way Down The Path

It is my belief that God has a plan for everyone, even those who never answer his call. He can use those unbelievers to push us in the right direction. His plan is for our good, although sometimes we can't see the good when bad things happen. He lets us pick and choose our paths, but ultimately He is in control. I can see this in my own life because somehow after a life of every kind of depravity (alcohol, drugs, etc.), I find myself here on God's doorstep. I had indulged my every whim (or most of them) in the most destructive manner and yet through God's infinite grace I have been spared. I had picked a destiny of my own or so I thought, but in truth God has placed me in this marriage and this situation for a reason. Maybe it's to set an example to those in my family, my husband, and kids. Or maybe it's that the Lord had chosen me and knew I'd come to Him by no other means. Although it's not what I would call the perfect life (or so it sometimes seems), I will remain in it and let the Lord continue to guide me, until he calls me home.

So, ultimately, God lets us choose our own destinies by choosing our paths in life, either the straight and narrow or the wide. In Matthew 7:13-14, Jesus puts it this way, "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." And in Matthew 7:21, "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven." But in the end, He makes the final decision. He created us and is in control, no matter what we think or whether we even believe in the God of Heaven and the Universe. His will is done and He is there whenever we need him or even if we don't think we do. All we have to do is seek him and ask. Matthew 7:7-8 says, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." We should not only seek him when things are bad, but when things are going well, we need to thank him as well!

So if you are feeling like your relationships have gone a bit a rye, that you are not on the right page, remember what the bible says in Ephesians 5:21-33 "Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one." This is a great mystery, and I take it to mean Christ and the church; however, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

The two key words in this passage, being love and respect, for if a man does not learn to show love to a woman, how will the woman learn to show respect to the man? This can only happen when one or the other, steps out in faith and shows love and respect, even when they don't think it is deserved by the other. It is a sign of true maturity, when we put others ahead of ourselves, letting our pride take a backseat to the needs of others. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 states "Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away."


So it actually becomes a matter of unconditional love and unconditional respect. The man to unconditionally love the woman (wife, girlfriend) and the woman to unconditionally respect the man (husband, boyfriend). Unconditional means it is not based on performance or merit, either past, present or future. It is given even when it is not deserved. The circumstances of one's relationships can be changed by either the man taking the first step and showing unconditional love to the woman or by the woman being the first to show unconditional respect to the man. Men and women were created equal in the eyes of God, but he created them different, male and female, not the same. Each with different needs, the woman with the need to be loved and the man with the need to be respected. When the man feels respected he shows love, when the woman feels loved she shows respect. It is a natural response to the feeling of being unloved to show disrespect. By the same token, when one doesn't feel respected, the natural response is to withhold love. But his love motivates her respect and her respect motivates his love and a new cycle can be started.  

God's love is unconditional, even if we never love Him back, His love will still be there. He doesn't put a price on it either, there are no conditions, no requirements, it's free for the taking, all we have to do is seek Him and love Him back! Jesus came to this earth to show God's great love for us and to show us how to love. "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8 That He gave his all even unto death! This should be the bases for our relationships, in order for them to work, either one or both parties have to be willing to put aside their own selfish needs for the good of the other.