Dealing with Conflict

     Most people are basically good willed, meaning that they don't constantly spend all their time trying to think of ways to irritate others, it just comes kind of naturally because we are human and from infancy we work at getting our own needs met. It's way easier to focus on our own needs and wants verses those of others. Most of us to some degree, live in our own little worlds, thinking our thoughts and entertaining  ourselves with the things we like. 

     God designed men and women differently, with different emotional make ups. Most women have a need to talk things over, either with their partner or their friends, for the most part men don't have this need. Men and women also process things differently, so many genuine acts can be miss interpreted. The woman who needs to talk things through, may miss interpret his silence as being unloving. The man who comes home from work after an exhausting day around others and just want's some peace and quiet, could miss interpret her need to talk things out as being disrespectful. Women also have a tendency to externalize things, we wear our emotions on the outside, on our faces and through our body language. Men are more internal, they tend to kept their emotions deep inside. It's much easier for a man to express himself freely to his male friends, than to his female partner. God created the man to be the head of the household and to be a "man of honor" by doing the right thing. A man on a battlefield during wartime, would risk death and go back for a fallen comrade because he is a man of honor, but can he acknowledge the need for his wife to express her feelings? That act is much harder and does not come naturally to a man.

      Since men think in blue and women tend to think in pink, there will be conflicts in every relationship, it is inevitable. The fact that men think in blue is not wrong, just different and so it is with women thinking in pink, not wrong, different. God created male and female to be different and he intends for you to have conflict in marriage, but his design was that we should learn to differ in loving and respectful ways, because God thinks in PURPLE!

      In the beginning, God created man, Adam, to care for the earth and it's creatures. Then he saw that it was not good for Adam to be alone, so he created Eve to help him, care for him and to populate the world. God made Adam (the male) to be the protector and provider for both of them. Eve (the female) as his assistant, providing love and nurturing. Even today these roles were not changed by God, but people have sought to expand and revise them. He created them to be a couple and work together. But what happens when conflict arises? How can it be resolved without the marriage or partnership being dissolved? 

     If we accept the fact that most people are basically good willed, but see things differently and assume that some conflict is inevitable, then we can begin to change the way we behave toward each other. It is human nature to pass judgment on others especially during a fight. Each side thinks it is right and the other is wrong. So if one side decides to be the mature one and submits to the other, with time and practice things can be mended. Say for instance, a husband and wife have just had an argument and both sides have said some pretty horrible things to each other. The husband (blue) shuts down his emotions and stomps away into another room and sits in front of the TV with a feeling of not receiving his due respect. Meanwhile the wife (pink) is left standing there with this overwhelming feeling of not being loved. The problem is not that we lack the ability to change the situation, but that we lack the incentive. 

     But what would be the outcome, if one, let’s say the husband, adopted an attitude of submission and sought out his wife and said something to the effect “That felt very disrespectful, did I come across as unloving?” and then said simply “I’m sorry!” and left it at that. Or if the wife were to follow her husband into the other room and instead of continuing with her previous rant, said something like “That felt very unloving, did I come across as disrespectful?” and said “I’m sorry!”

       Taking responsibility for one’s own behavior is not a natural or easy thing to do and may take some practice. But by stepping up and taking responsibility for your actions and not placing the blame on the other, the pattern can be changed. As Christians we are called to love others as Christ loved us, so everything we do, should be done as if the other person were Christ, himself. In Matthew 25:40 Christ says “And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these, my brethren, you did it to me.’” And then again in verse 45 of the same chapter, “Then he will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it not to one of the least of these, you did it not to me.’” We should behave as if Christ were standing right behind that person, whispering to us “do unto me” and “show this person mercy and forgiveness, I know they don’t deserve it, but do it for me”. 

      Jesus took the cross for our transgressions; can’t we at least take on the responsibility for our actions? Instead of focusing on the faults of others and blaming them, try to look past them and see your percentage of guilt and own up to it, make Christ your focus. What we do to others should be done out of reverence for Christ. Love for Christ should equal love for one’s wife (girlfriend, neighbor, boss, etc.) and reverence for Christ should equate to respect for the husband (boyfriend, children, etc.). There is a great reward for those who will make the effort!